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The guilt of feeling you're a bad mother means you're a good mother

I felt like I failed a thousand times as a mother. A thousand times I was forgiven.

Today was one of those days when even setting an alarm doesn't guarantee you'll wake up on time.

We woke up late today. Lucas was asking me why I did not set the alarm. Then he assured me it's okay, we could still make it. We could have. But I still needed to prepare his lunch.

And so we missed the school bus. He could have skipped school today. But I know how much he wants to go to school...

I remember last year, he got on the bus without his school bag, along with his lunch box! I quickly went to school by train. He missed a snack but got his lunch in time. 😓

A few weeks ago, I forgot to pack a spoon. When he couldn't find one, he decided not to eat. The teacher thought he ate and asked him to read. He skipped lunch that day. 😔

I'm sure there were other days too... when I failed as a mother.

Being a mother is tough that way. Mistakes seem unforgivable.

I remember crying, literally, over spilled breast milk!

And then there were those days when I feel guilty whenever he gets sick. Somehow, I might have missed something. Did he take a bath when it was too cold? Forgot to give him vitamins?

Being a mother is tough that way. Guilt is always around the corner.

And so today, I made a quick decision to take him to school myself. On normal days, we would have taken a bus and a train. But COVID19 cases are on the rise, the only option was to take the bike.

I was a little scared. I have never biked for 7.8km without my husband. And my mamachari does not have a cellphone holder to help me navigate. 

I dismissed any hesitation. I decided Lucas will not miss school today!

We arrived at school safely. Thank you Google maps! The bicycle mode was just recently launched here in Japan. On the way back, I felt my legs started to shake. Another 7.8km going back home. Yay!

He was late for Math class. But he did not miss school today.

I felt accomplished. Being a mother is never boring too, you know.

And just like that. I was forgiven.

No, not by Lucas. By myself! I cannot beat myself up for my mistakes. There is no point in that.

Being a mother is tough that way. We cannot let negative emotions like these linger.  It will make the job harder.

Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we feel bad. Yes. Yes, of course.  Then, we move on.

You know what makes it easier for me? It's because at the end of the day. For Lucas, only one thing mattered... Mom saved the day!

And so I realized that the guilt I'm feeling I'm a bad mother actually means I'm a good mother. And as long as I keep trying really really hard, no matter how tough it may be, I will never be a bad mother in the eyes of my child.

*Fingers crossed* Let's see during his teenage years Hehe!

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