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To the baby whose heart stopped beating... Mommy loves you

Last night, I wept.

I wept for the baby whose heart suddenly stopped beating.
I wept for the babies whose heart never pumped.
I wept for all the unborn babies.
I wept for all my friends who badly wanted to have a baby but have not been blessed yet.
I wept for all the children who died innocently
I even wept for my dead parents.

And then I cried some more.
Prayed some more.
Begged some more.

God said, why do you deserve to have this baby? Why do you deserve it more than anyone else who wants to have a baby?

I thought...
I am already blessed with a child.
And I am grateful for that.
I know what it feels like to become part of the masterpiece of life.
To witness a miracle firsthand.
And with that, I know I deserved this baby.
I know I'm a good mother.
Lucas said it himself, "You're a good mom"
And while I pretend I did not hear it from the cartoon show he just watched,
I believed in those words.

Why do I deserve it more than anyone else? I didn't have an answer. Because I know anyone else who badly wants to have a baby, be it a first child or not, deserves it.

And so I prayed some more.
Wept some more.
Hoping for a miracle.
The baby was supposed to be 15 weeks and 5 days.
But it stopped growing at 14 weeks.
And then... no heartbeat.
A lot of possible causes.
But the doctor, nor hundred pages of the google search result can tell exactly what happened to my baby.

But there was no miracle.
No, not today.
I lost my baby.
Right after celebrating mother's day.
Right after I posted an Instagram photo about pregnancy.
But yes.
Long after I felt the joy of having a baby again.
Long after I dreamt of holding a newborn baby in my arms.
Long after I imagined traveling Japan with a baby.
After many goodnight kisses in my tummy.
After many sweet cravings.
After many whispers of "I love you baby".

Today, I mourn.
I mourn for my baby whose heart suddenly stopped beating.
I mourn for all the unborn babies.
I mourn for my dead parents who never got to witness what a good mother I've become.

But tomorrow, I fight.
I fight for my life as I deliver my baby.
Lifeless, but still mine.
The one who gave me joy.
The one who is giving me an unbearable sorrow right now.

After all the battle I fought, I've come out strong.
I will be stronger.
Tonight, I will allow myself to be weak and weep some more...
But I will not be weaker.
Because I know that today is not the only day for miracles.

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  1. That was so saddening... but God has a purpose. We always have to believe in His will and faith in His wisdom. :(


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